[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails