[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You Might Also Like
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars