[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
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What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?