*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
You Might Also Like
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
In banana years, I am bread.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.