[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
All. The. Damn. Time.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
The asteroid..
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.