[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
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I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.