[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
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Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too