[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
This did not end as expected.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.