[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
You Might Also Like
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler