[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut