[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no