[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
bugs when you lift up a rock
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure