<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?