[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]