JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
channeling her this year
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks