JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I can fix him.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
A choir of Spring onions
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.