JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My boss called in sick of me
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I just ran a .003048K
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.