Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.