doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.