JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
WHY?!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.