Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!