[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
These work great until they don’t.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english