*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances