Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
yea so i messed up lol
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.