Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
You Might Also Like
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”