[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.