(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Has there ever been a more American story?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it