[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
“what that mouth do?” complain
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*