Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.