[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL