[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
You Might Also Like
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Ghost costume 😂
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.