[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes