I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
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nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
i hope my email finds you on fire
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
(Gaming support cat.)
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Found my door mat
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA