[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Respect
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?