*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.