[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.