[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic