[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
You Might Also Like
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.