[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
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me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
haha same
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
why no one uses midhusbands
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.