[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
You Might Also Like
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here