[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
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[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don鈥檛 know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it鈥檒l remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it鈥檚 a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
This has made my week.