[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Smooooooth
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.