@EndhooS: *Wife walks in, the house is trashed* "OMG..we've been burgled" *I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear* HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

@GringoBrulee: HR: Do you know why we called you in here today? Me: I'm not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@SteveKoehler22: Why not call baby pigs "hamlets" ?

@wickedimproper: Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night: Sup, girl?

@dreamthievin: Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot