[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.