[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
dictator is short for richard potato
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!