[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
back to work
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?