[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
my nickname in college
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.