[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
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When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.