(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
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to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety