<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
That lamp looks PISSED.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest