[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
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Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…