[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour